WWE Extreme Rules 2015

WWE Extreme Rules 2015

WWE presented it's seventh annual Extreme Rules pay per view live on Sunday 26th April 2015, live from the Allstate Arena in Rosemont, Illinois, Chicago. Would this finally be the start of WWE's change from a drastically pitiful Jan-Mar three month booking failure of all wannabe stars? Could it get its mid card in place and would it be able to deal with unforeseen events potentially marring the show? With Daniel Bryan injured and pulled from the card at the eleventh hour, could it still do well? 

Lets take a look...

Chicago Street Fight
Dean Ambrose Vs Luke Harper

The PPV began with a crowd pandering hometown match-up with Lunatic Fringe Dean Ambrose using the Kendo Stick aggressively against opponent Luke Harper. An exciting start with a suplex on the chair followed with a corner swing DDT appealed. Then the match began to stall in the middle with Ambrose doing the same type of routine like a run through practice run. The flips and rope lunacy tried out in a different way to his credit, made Ambrose look slightly daft and inconsistent. Becoming a stereotype of his former self, Ambrose is starting to dip even more down the card by his repetitive actions, donated by WWE officials, of course. While Ambrose is trying to work with what he has been given, the star is becoming so cliché that he is in danger of becoming just another mid card jobber. 

Too much of a lunatic, the fringe took it  backstage to excite and get the PPV going. Their backstage exchanges were hit and miss, literally. They pushed a crate and threw a pole at Harper. Both were measures that should not have been so heavily misused on television to influence others. The crate exchange was a bad botch but the pair tried to make it decent. 

Luke Harper had felt enough. He got into a car and began hijacking it. As Harper revved the engine, Ambrose dived through the passenger open window and Harper sped off. Damn! They had just left the arena and nowhere to be seen. They were gone. Ambrose and his joy riding ways eh? Never paying for taxi's and now this? Tsk.

After initially being manipulated easy with the start of the match heavily cheering, the Chicago crowd viciously boo now. Oh dear. Looks like WWE trolled you! HaHaHa! :(

Kiss Me Arse Match
Dolph Ziggler Vs Sheamus

Who thought this one up me wonders? The crowd were unimpressed at home and in attendance. It really did have no mileage. 

Can you imagine Dolph Ziggler will win and then have to be embarrassed by showing his arse. Yeah, big win...

Sheamus, by the way, has returned, with a bright Orange mohawk and tied string beard chin braids looking like a male hen. Week's ago on Raw, fans agreed with "You look Stupid!" It's not a great look and has no credibility, even if Sheamus did need a change. 

The match began going to the outside, as Sheamus controls the action. I am glad to see they have shaved instead of having a hairy crustacean in their arse cracks. 

The action continued but was tepidly lethargic from Sheamus. Stand and clothesline downs were bland. A sleeperhold following added an ironic tone to the match. Tiresome. 

There were messy elbows and running fists by Ziggler as Sheamus countered with a neckbreaker.

The comedy element continued. Well, it wasn't exactly The Princess and the Frog, was it?

After a short while of following up, Dolph Ziggler gained a quick one leg suplex roll up botch from a Fisherman's pin. It might have been better if it was intended to be one leg open pin instead. The quick count came as Sheamus was beaten by Dolph Ziggler in another cheap roll up victory in a nothing match that elevated no-one, including viewers live and worldwide. 

Thank goodness Michael Cole did not kiss anymore toes and feet. 

Sheamus now had to kiss Ziggles arse. After some shaking and teasing briefs down, to which the inept cameraman could not get any coverage of bare naked bottoms, due to WWE's intentions, the Irishman smacked Ziggler from behind with a low blow. How predictable. Sheamus then made a floored Ziggler have his face pressed into Sheamus' exposed backside and rubbed against him. Basically, a stinkface, then? So the concept, flawed as it was, had no-one willingly kiss as a result of the stipulation. 

Can anyone say refund?

WWE Tag Team Championship
The New Day Vs Cesaro and Tyson Kidd (c) w/ Natalya

Well, wasn't this interesting? The New Day, as honourable men, were disliked upon entry. Antonio Cesaro and Tyson Kidd both were cheered with escort Natalya. They weren't supposed to be. Hmm.

Tyson and Kofi began the match well. Soon after the battle of the muscle boys began with Antonio Cesaro and Big E taking one another on. Xavier Woods was an impressive cheerleader at ringside. Cesaro caught the Bigster mid air and slammed him with a swift foot stomp to the gut. It was timeless, effortless and sheer powerful content. Why WWE fail to see the beauty on offer is perplexing. After some more interactions, Tyson Kidd came back into the game with a slip through of the legs underneath Big E to enter the ring and avoid a beat down by both New Day dudes. After knocking them outside, Tyson ran with a over the top rope dive onto all outside with impressive flight. Kidd has never been so over. 

Kofi managed to get back inside with Cesaro, who went into beast mode. Cesaro continued his beefy prowess with an outstanding non-rope suplex over the ropes. Big E then returned with a damning spear to Kidd knocking him off to the outside of the ring.

Cesaro got flipped over by a New Day double team outside too. Kidd was picked on but Cesaro regained to save his partner on a close pinfall. Kofi was caught into the Sharpshooter by Tyson. Big E saved the day with a suplex, but failed to notice Cesaro get a tag to qucikly uppercut Big E handsomely. 

Cesaro made quick work of Kofi and swiftly put him into a Cesaro Swing to high elation from the crowd as Kidd dropkicked Kofi whilst in the swing to cover for a close two fall. This was extremely impressive from all. The Kofi Swing tore the house down. 

Xavier Woods distracted Cesaro with some preaching from outside. Natalya made her way to him and gave him a slap across the face to quieten him. The crowd loved it. Amid the confusion Big E took down Tyson Kidd to the outside as Cesaro was quickly rolled up by Kofi Kingston, as The New Day seized it to become the WWE Tag Team Champions. Even after success, they could not encourage crowd favour. 

Chicago Street Fight (Part 2)

Dean Ambrose Vs Luke Harper

Harper and Ambrose return from their ride to re-start their match. By this point the magic had been lost, despite the attempt to make the PPV interesting with a here and there segment. Dean Ambrose slams Luke Harper over onto a chair and wins. *sigh* 

United States Champpionship
Russian Chain
John Cena (c) Vs Rusev w/ Lana

What's a Russian Chain Match? You have to drag them to all four corners and touch the corner post light panels to win. Oh, so it's a Bullrope Match then? No, its not, its, erm, not.

Cena started doing the 2003 smackdown arm/face/punch posing stance to look all hard and serious as a fighter. Oh dear. It looked pathetic and highly unconvincing. It was embarrassing. 

Cena adds more lunacy by pretending to comically strain at the start holding the chain with Rusev at the other end. *Insert your LOL's here.*

Rusev charged him down. A tug of tug Cena up the ropes with chain followed. Rusev continued to impress with some Muay Thai kicks. His mule hind legs and beefy badass were fantastic improvements. A suplex to Cena came after. Cena gets up with ease ruining all of Rusev's hard work to get both of them over again. Does Cena even care anymore? Every knock down is simply unrealistic and lacks belief. Cena is the root cause of WWE's tv program problems. No sells all over.

Rusev locks his legs on the rope pulling to stop Cena stretching to the light pedestals. Lights off. A spinning heel kick from Rusev was a perfect follow up. Rusev's top rop attempt was foiled as Cena yanks him off so stupidly, lacking any real effort. A running superkick to Cena gave Rusev another advantage. 

Rusev was annoyed that the audience were adoring the lovely Lana with chants, and howled at her to go to the back and wiat int heir dressing room. Jealous of fans Rusev was. You fans just ruined it for yourselves losing Lana's legs. Too bad.

Cena capitalised with the Attitude Adjustment. At least there were no visible gapping issues, but Cena was so focused on this that he failed to focus on the move. He just doesn't have any in-ring psychology of how routine goes. It isn't as simple as one move, one move, one move, dear. 

His comeback was stopped by the monstrous power of Rusev. The Accolade crush was prevented by a Cena reversal into another AA. At least this time he tried to make it look authentic for once. Alas, once more it was simply unbelievable with the rest of the match being untidy and sloppy on Cena's part at having any real power as a finisher. 

Rusev nailed a jumping gut kick to Cena so smoothly. He then locked the Accolade in.

SuperCena lifted out of the submission as Rusev sits atop Cena in hold. Cena bumped Rusev into two corners. He then yanked and AA'ed Rusev. The lights were on for far too long than they usually would have been beforehand and Cena was again out of time. Sloppy. 

Both had three lights on each. They had a stare down. Rusev made a mistake and charged for the post as Cena AA flipped his foe over. John Cena easily touches the pad in no effort at all to light it up and win a pointless match-up which had high potential.

WWE Divas Championship
Nikki Bella (c) w/ Brie Bella Vs Naomi

Naomi was looking funky fresh with green and black attire, This is a very good look for her, with trenchcoat to boot. She looked slick, fresh and motivated, which was a breath of fresh air to the divas division after months of inconsistencies.

The pair started with a traditional lock up. A snapmare fling over by Nikki Bella. A bit of stalled moments after but the match and the gals recovered well into an arm lock with Nikki's full leg scissors. Naomi's headlocks were decent. She missed her backstage Starjump Thump. She managed to get back in it though soon enough. Naomi took some jabs at Nikki but was looking a little tired now. A jump down and boot of Brie out of the way now for checking on sister Nikki. By the way, the Bella's are magically all kind again and Naomi is naughty. 

A close two fall comeback. Close fall for Naomi who got annoyed. Her wonderful starpress Moonsault missed. Nikki knees Naomi in the face after getting the advantage for a close two count. The Rack Attack missed but Nikki followed up with a strong Nikki Buster, equally impressively reversed into a bridge by Naomi's great flexibility.

Nikki returned with a jump up enziguri from the top rope to Naomi for another close two fall. 

Brie returned her rough justice with a kick to Naomi's face, with made her giddy. Nikki Bella grabbed up Naomi into the Rack Attack for a powerful three fall smashing victory. While it wasn't amazeballs from the past diva standards, this was a real strong development and great match of interest held up by both divas. They should be very proud of that battle. They certainly stood out, for all the right reasons, too. 

Lana was shouted out backstage by Rusev, who was still upset. She then went into The Authority's office, which also now bears the red lion symbol. Good old spot of Orienteering. Lion, the emblem of the British. Red, and authoritative on a black and white fusion. Who could it possibly resemble?

Last Man Standing
Roman Reigns vs Big Show

Big Show was angry and demonstrated it early when he clubbed his hands through a set-up table at ringside breaking it in half. Ooh, scary. What a waste of a perfectly good table, dear. Reigns uses the Kendo Stick on Show lots. Show retaliates with a shove into the post of Reigns. Reigns managed to return from this soon enough with more use of the chair on the back of Big Show. He dropped a DDT of Show on it. Show made it to a confident seven count. Reigns gets another table from under the ring and another. Over concnetrated on the additions, Reigns stepped back into the ring and walks into the Knockout Punch. Oof!

Big Show sets the table and growls or howls. Reigns countered and dropped Show through the table instead. Both were down on a power charge moment. Reigns got up at six as Show rolls to the outside on both feet at eight. 

Upon regained stride Show runs at Reigns, but manages to stop running into table steadily. Show quickly changed the pace and speared Reigns down well.

Ain't what they used to be, this is one move, down,count. Sometimes you needed lots of work to wait for a count in Last Man Standing bouts, but it still had something level about it. 

Show dropped down on Reigns with a turnbuckle drop squash. It looked a tad uncomfortable but decent to incorporate. Show climbs to top again as Reigns knocks him down on his goolies. Show screams in pain with no sympathy from the crowd. Ooooooh!We feel ya biggie!

Reigns gets more tables stacked outside together, side by side. Hmmm. I wonder...

Show hurls Reigns over the inside of the ring from the rope top after cooling down but Reigns comes back with strong scoop slam. Reigns whacks the Superman Punch as Show wobbles. Another whack. Third was then missed as Show powerfully grabs Reigns with a chokeslam and perfectly launches him over the ropes smashing him into the tables outside. Damn! That was good. Reigns makes it to a close count at 9. Many thought Big Show had nabbed this one. It was a close call. Some were then rooting for Show.

Show dismantles the steel steps. He re-stacks them by Jerry Lawler at ringside. The wise announcers move. Show dismantles the main announce table. Phew! The Spaniards are getting a well earned break. Show is by the diagonal corner table mocking Reigns and goes for the smash but Reigns jumps out of the way as Show face plants himself through the wooden table smoothly.

Big Show really has improved dramatically. He makes it to 9.

Reigns runs like mad around the ring outside and spear launches through Show at the collapsible barricade, sending both ploughing through it. Reigns climbs the steps as Show throat catches him. The pair stand on the table atop. Oh no... Reigns barged himself off. Reigns jumps up on the steps to running Spear the Big Show through the Spanish announce table! Yeowers! Reigns then tips the table over, trapping Big Show beneath it for good measure. Hurt and unable to break free, Roman Reigns is the Last Man Standing.

Randy Orton and Kane chat backstage as Orton reminds Kane of what he once was, adding some seeds of doubt.

Bo Dallas returned to the ring and trashed the audience about them not showering. Really? A shower? He asked them to kindly "Shut your mouth" and hoped you chose to Bo-lieve. He was interrupted by meathead jobber Ryback, who still hasn't gained a personality. Or relevance. Fire Him.

Rusev was interviewed by Byron Saxton. Lana informs us its the final Cena/Rusev chapter at Payback after speaking with The Authority on Rusev's behalf. It's an "I Quit!"match too.

WWE World Heavyweight Championship
Steel  Cage
Randy Orton Vs Seth Rollins.(c) w/ J and J Security

• The RKO is banned

Over the week's building up to it, Seth Rollins won a stipulation battle allowing Rollins to choose to stop Orton using his RKO manoeuvre. Randy picked a Steel Cage, to shut out The Authority instead.

Kane was installed as the official gatekeeper. The what? Doorman, basically. He'll open and close it for one of the competitors trying to break free in the match to win.

Rollins tried to escape the door and missed. Good over body punches by Rollins who then climbed, caught by Orton. A running twist neckbreaker by Seth Rollins was next. The pace was already electric. A running miss cage bounce of Rollins came after with a strong following back mule kick. Reversal by Randy into the Cage stalled Rollins. Orton used heavy powerslams. Seth eventually got the upper hand and began another climb, once again caught. The tension was immense as Orton caught him on top of the cage. It was a great birds eye view of Orton from below.

Jumping knee off the cage by Rollins to Orton allowed Seth another climb over the other side of the cage. He reaches the top. Jump into powerslam Rollins and Orton go to the floor hard. A two fall only. A smack in the jaw kick gives Seth a two fall by.

Rollins returns to the top of the cage. Orton grabs Rollins who dangles over the outside of the cage. Such tension. If he drops he wins. J and J Security try to help pull Seth Rollins out. Orton's sheer strength pulls Seth back in and superplexes him back down. A smooth and close two fall by Orton.

J and J tell Kane to open the door. He refuses. Both then decide to climb opposite sided but Orton whacks Rollins into them from inside the cage knocking them off the walls. The DDT rope drop was countered by Seth. He climbed again. He was then dropped onto his goolies on the rope. Ooooooh! We really feel you Sethie! If ever we can help you, let us know. Orton walks to the door. Wide open, he refuses to escape the door. He drops the devastating middle rope DDT on Rollins. Orton readies himself for what would be the RKO. He stamps his hands and feet and nails the Pedigree in a mock to The Authority, mainly Triple H. Rollins amazingly kicks out with tenacity at two.

The action heated up fast. The punt was missed. A dropkick Enziguri counter kept Rollins in the lead. Kane opens door as Rollins crawls to it. Orton gets him before he leaves and delivers a harsh backbreaker to Seth. Orton refuses the open door, only to then leave. Kane slams the door in Orton's face as Orton is blocked. Kane decides to enter the doorway. Rollins charges at Randy and misses Orton knocking Kane out through the cage. With no doorman and the cage open, Orton stops Rollins scrambling the open door as a frustrated Kane returns and furiously smacks the door at both of them in anger.

Kane and J and J Security join the ring. J and J stop Kane going towards Rollins, as Kane responds with a double chokeslam on Noble and Mercury instead. Kane nears Seth Rollins with a chokeslam grasp. He then grabs Randy up from the ground, lifting him up and slams him down instead. Rollins plans to escape the cage as Kane chokeslams Seth aswell! The rampaging monster may be back.

Kane places Seth Rollins' hand over Randy Orton who shockingly manages to kick out. Randy RKO's Kane with the forbidden move. Seth Rollins then RKO's Randy Orton and scrambles out of the open door to retain the WWE World Heavyweight Championship in a fast paced, exciting match up of pure joy and skill. 

PPV Rating - 9/10

Men/Women of their matches - Dean Ambrose, Dolph Ziggler, Antonio Cesaro, Naomi, Big Show, Seth Rollins

Man/Woman of the PPV - Naomi

Ignorant D- player Daniel Bryan was quickly removed from the PPV after his injury took a more necessary concern. Bryan, as Intercontinental Champion, would not defend the title and was not stripped either. Looks like the curse of the IC title struck again. Ignorance is not a profitable measure under any circumstance. At least Daniel can do interviews before mega PPV's and read lots of magazines now. Furry Sidelined Man. Karma is a pain and Mother Nature has my back, not yours. Ignorance will catch up with everyone eventually. It is truly how you hold yourself. Let's face it, Bryan wasn't going to be anything more of a success after reaching his peak and becoming injury prone on a consistent basis. As for the IC title, it clearly should have been stripped and WWE ae going to go through this whole drawn out process once again where it fails to strip instantly because a performer cannot perform and eventually will have no choice but to lose it. Then it will be too late and ruin the next champion in transit. 

Naomi became a true revelation. Though we would have liked Emma to be put in line for the Diva's line-up, and she still can be, Naomi was a breath of fresh air. WWE should put all three or even four with Brie in the mix, to get the program going over the next few months. Naomi was not only improved and dominant, but really elevated the division to new prospects. Nikki and Brie played their parts effectively too and allow Naomi the vital dominance on show. Nikki understood the need to build her opponent as equal instead of previous, lacking competition. It was a very strong boost to get the scene back on track. All should be pleased. Well done ladies.

Antonio Cesaro was a powerhouse and worked fantastically with his nimble partner Tyson Kidd. It was not a true shock to see their titles drop, but the effective and super hot bout that they handled was what made it highly entertaining. The technical skill, agility and power involved made the tag team division have some encouragement among fans. Kofi was working very well and while Big E still needs a much more interesting place, he worked well within the battle. Not too much and not too little. This actually helped him to come across more effective overall. The hope now is that WWE could possibly recruit Kidd with a new partner as Cesaro moves onward with a main event hovering high. WWE are dropping the ball on him big time. He has the size, the belief, tenacity, consistency and crowd backing. Barely anyone on the roster has one of those, let alone all. WWE desperately want the requirements and have them, so why is it stalling? Oh and he will need his forename back. Losing it did not make him more powerful, if anything, he was on top of his game, and WWE's, when full titled. Without, he was stalling by WWE management. Get over personal disputes and move forward. This guy has the goods and everyone wants it. WWE would succeed tenfold and can have Orton, Rollins, Reigns, Show, Rusev and Cesaro around the main event hovering build up if they wish. You don't have to win to be high on the list and maintained as a prospect. Plus WWE are short on numbers.

Big Show has grown in leaps and bounds. What a guy. After the helpful advice and listening to how to change for the better Big Show is really becoming a competent and credible challenger once more. It is encouraging to see that anyone can develop if they put their mind too it. For the record, it looks like Big Show has also lost some weight, looks great and is still developing wholesomely. On paper the match booking may have seemed less than to be desired but the match was a stunning battle that really boosted all and gave such strong options for the future. It is really impressive.

Dolph Ziggler and Sheamus' 'thing' was beyond awful. The concept was flawed as no one willingly kissed, which was WWE's principal of he match. To tease extra interest with a bit of fleshy bottoms on offer, it was as lacklustre as it comes. Plus the camera's picked up no imagery of the booty. If it was two other stars it might have been much more interesting. It did nothing for either star or the viewers.

Dean Ambrose is struggling to connect in the sense that he is becoming typecast. He might get the cheap "Yay" moment but as a character and a routine it is also becoming stale and boring. Eventually fans could turn off completely from him. A once probable star in the ranks, alongside Luke Harper, no less, Ambrose doesn't seem to have anything to his core. What is his purpose and why is he always fighting people as a lunatic? There is no sense and his battles mean nothing. Continuing on this path will lose Ambrose a lot of potential for a future with WWE. Harper on the other hand is a growing star that keeps dipping up and down. Have WWE got a problem with him as rumoured? Whatever the case, Harper can contribute to some area's but others he must find that inner part to overall acceptance. 

Without Daniel Bryan on the card and John Cena away from the main event, WWE is growing at a more rapid and exciting rate. Getting itself back on track is still a long way to go, but the card tonight proved exceptional. Everyone on the card put in a tremendous effort and made  it as different and engaging as possible, despite the comedy match, of course. They didn't even use all of their stock. Fandango, Curtis Axel an Damien Sandow are still extras that WWE can use beneficially to make a more compact selection of diversity. Tonight WWE removed the boredom and pushed the stardom. Tonight, it won. Why can't it always figure out how to push the right people, where necessary? This is vital to a future let alone a business in pro wrestling. 

© Max Waltham 29th April 2015

All Rights Reserved 

Hell in a Cell 2013

WWE Hell in a Cell 2013

WWE’s 2013 instalment of the steel cage structure Hell in a Cell screened live on pay per view on Sunday October 27^th from the American Airlines Arena in Miami, Florida.

After the Orton/Bryan drama, no champion and a returning from injury John Cena would WWE be able to settle a level of stability and strength in placing its workforce competently?

WWE Tag Team Championship
Tag Team, Triple Threat 

Cody Rhodes and Goldust (c) Vs Seth Rollins and Roman Reigns and The Uso’s

The announce desk informed us the Rhodes Bros have 30% chance of retaining.30 x 3 = 90. 90% still leaves 10% spare. If you don’t know, nor understand, don’t say it. Goldust and Rollins begin the bout where Jey Uso was tagged in from Rollins after being run by Goldie. Quick cover from Goldust. Tag of Rhodes in. Takes a one fall. Jimmy Uso tagged in as Rhodes remained oblivious. Rhodes begins a bonkers appraisal, clapping of the Uso, for upstaging him. Goldust comes back in. Headbutt from Uso as tag made. Jey slapped by the golden C3PO gimmick. Reigns blind tags in as Uso was flung to the ropes as Reigns trips the feet of Goldie from outside to gain an advantage. Rollins outside attacks as legal man then covers inside for two. Rollins tags Reigns to isolate Goldust, taking a two fall.

Goldust forced into a fierce arm lock sleeper. Reversed into a backslide pin for two from the movie loving golden dream. Crawling to tag missing and covered by Reigns once more for a two count. DDT on Reigns to gain separation. Rollins tags in and dropkicks Rhodes off the apron. Goldust counters making it to corner. Rhodes not there forcing Cody to tag in an Uso, potentially winning. Goldust back in as The Shield blindsided both Uso’s as Goldust attempted to make a tag. Rhodes enters with a cheap shot before getting back to apron. Rollins’ tantalising voice taunts “poor Goldust.”

Reigns runs into a scoop slam from Goldust. Tags in Cody. Takes down Reigns on apron and Rollins into roll through two fall. Climbs atop with a Moonsault, practically missing every possible connection required when wayward flight to the right of opponent. Uso made a tag on Cody who missed the Disaster Kick to Rollins. Two fall only. Reigns saved a second pin. Goldust caught on Reigns as Uso tilts them over, having to double tip Reigns over in tentative hold up. Uso charges outside over Goldie and Reigns, while other Uso charges at Rollins, who kicks out at two. Rollins drops rope as Uso climbs. Rhodes tags in from Uso but battered into corner by Rollins.

Placed atop turnbuckle. Both on top now. Rhodes suplexes Rollins to the outside on top of all the combatants. Rollins sold it like a pro, with strong fluidity on collision. Ref counted a two as Uso jumped onto a covering Cody over Rollins breaking the count. Spear by Reigns out of nowhere. Uso’s out as fast as in by Rollins. Seth hit by Goldust as Rhodes back in. Goldust plants a right hand on Rollins knocking him back into a lurking, despondent Cody Rhodes to grab a cheap pinfall to retain the tag team championships. The terrible mash up music continues.

The Miz decided to give a monotone promo after a pathetic limp towards the ring. The laughable Miz then called out Bray Wyatt. What an absurd decision to make. Miz laid himself wide open to Wyatt as the fodder he is. Upon speaking to the wrong level of media attention, Bray Wyatt answered The Mizes call.

Moronic Miz gives an 'interview.'

“It pains me to see you like this. Like a man who has nothing left to lose. Please understand, your words mean less than salt to me. If you could only see the monster that lives behind my eyes. HaHaHaHaHaHaHa” Wyatt laughed.

Rowan and Harper then maul the lacklustre Miz.  The crowd chanted “We want Kane.”

The flames then burst on the titantron as Kane charged down the ramp and took out Wyatt’s lackies.

Kane then predictable and pleasing chokeslammed weakling Miz in a pleasing display. It also ticks off our dream feud posted months back of Kane Vs Miz. Though, now, The Miz is clearly beneath the fire breathing monster.

Impromptu

Mixed Tag

Fandango w/ Summer Rae Vs The Great Khali and Natalya w/ Hornswoggle

Dancing with the superstars saw Fandango wiggle his booty and Summer Rae shake her, ahem, assets, what of them. Rae enters her first match in WWE, on prime time. Good luck dolly.

Squarker Rae.

Fannydangler told everyone to “Shh!” before asking the audience what they knew about Salsa dancing. “There is only one true master of the art of Salsa.” (Ahh, look at you resigning yourself to my net worth.)  The pair actually attempt a Salsa dance with appropriate music, soon interrupted by their opponents.

WWE have decided that the unexplained break up of Nattie and Khali is now magically back on after Rae had a scrap with Natalya, previously elsewhere. Just like that, a match is born and a pairing is resurged with no logic involved whatsoever. “This is the WWE and the rules can change.” – Triple H. Let us also not forget WWE splashed Natalya's wedding to husband Tyson Kidd all over the E Network on Reality Show Total Divas!

Khali battles Fandango in a daft exchange as Rae and Nattie work together. It is up to esteemed female Natalya to work Summer Rae to a decent match, of which Natalya did excellently despite Rae’s inability to be interesting enough. Rae bounced off the rope with a toe trip planted. Rae screams in the corner as Fandango is tagged in and Natalya grabs the dancer for a sharpshooter, avoided. Hornswoggle outside mocks Fandango as a gripped trunk grabs Fanny D. Fandango soon gets the best of Khali in the ring soon after.

Natalya tries to slap Fandango from the apron as ‘Dango misses and lands into Khali’s instead followed with a boot. Rae tagged in and smiles to dance around Khali in a promiscuous fashion as Natalya charges in and suplexes Summer Rae all over. Nat kicks Rae in the face with a clothesline for good measure. Rae reaches ropes after a sharpshooter attempt. Summer Rae then rolls up Natalya and gains a three fall victory for her and Fandango over The Great Khali. That’s how a WWE diva’s match works, folks.

Impromptu

United States Championship

Dean Ambrose (c) Vs Big E Langston

The basis for this bout? On the pre-show Ambrose and Langston had a verbal disagreement leading to a fight, so Smackdown General Manager Vickie Guerrero booked the title match. Langston was due to battle Curtis Axel for the Intercontinental Championship on the pre-show. WWE, high on Langston all of a sudden, was thrown into yet another match of no importance.

Langston botches a fast attack on Ambrose knocking him down and falling over Amborse sideways in a rushed pin. WWE describe Langston as having an “IT Factor” about him. Ambrose caught in a charge held by Langston. The pair work down in the corner. Langston’s superhuman strength allows being hit by Ambrose with slaps and chops to no effect. The destructive force that was Dean Ambrose is easily pummelled by Langston. Ambrose worn down in a bearhug. Breaks free only to be hurled over to the outside, hurting knee on fall. Ambrose countered Langston attempting to lift him back inside. The pair try to suplex one another on the apron between the ropes. Ambrose gets the best of Big E sending him outside. Big E almost counted out breaks at a near eight. 

Has "IT" apaprently.

Ambrose uses hard kicks and a wear down in corner of opponent. Attempts to climb above with widened open legs above Big E’s head. Someone whistles. Langston block barges Ambrose into the ring so pathetically with a touch to break free. Clothesline’s taking down the US champ with a cover of two from Langston. Runs ropes to drop and body squash, missing and into the ground. Then quickly gets best of Ambrose again. Then splashes Ambrose successfully again in an all too easy exchange. Liability Big E gashed above the eye. Ambrose had no other option but to audibly direct Langston and dropped a DDT for two fall. Ambrose flung into turnbuckle post as laggy Langy charges a spear to Ambrose taking both outside the ring, top centre.

Staggering Dean Ambrose was fed up and became counted out after retrieving his title to leave.  Big E. Langston followed Dean Ambrose, still United States Champion, sneaking up on him to drop a Big Ending finisher planking flapjack thingy and raised the title above to signify the new challenging series. Challenging is the operative word, for certain.

Langston’s Ho train attack was shown again where he busted himself open. Yes, a simplistic move as that broke Langston open.

2 on 1 Handicap

Hell in a Cell

CM Punk Vs Ryback and Paul Heyman

After Punk and Ryback enter, Heyman makes his way to the Cell on a driving stairlift being operated by a moron who doesn't have a driving licence and went round in circles. Absolutely hilarious.

Devilishly good.

“I am the best in Hell! You sold your soul to the devil, but I am not just Paul Heyman, in WWE I am Satan himself, and right there is the man who is going to steal your soul. Now is the time that I collect, because CM Punk, I have risen from the depths of hell and I have ascended to the top of the world for my name is Max Waltham Paul Heyman, and I own C, M , PUNK!” as Heyman was lifted upwards to the top of the Cell. 

Punk charges into Ryback and takes his ankle down while stomping on toes and body. Punk charges into Ryback near the door through the ropes as Ryback moans on his back. Punk grabs a kendo stick and smashes it over neanderthal Ryback. Ry-b tells him to get up and slams him back and forth as Punk lets out a yelp. “You’re a Punk!” Ryback yells.

Back in ring Ryback uses the stick in the corner as Heyman glares down from the centre atop the Cell. Ryback slowly walks Punk around with a few jabs. Flings Punk into corner. Drop slams down on Punk missing any contact. “You can’t wrestle” plagued boreback. Punk gets back with grabs and tips rope down as Ryback traditionally falls over the rope to outside. Punk climbs the corner again to smash down on Ryback. Ryback pathetically charged into Punk reaching for something under the ring. The crowd laughed. 

Punk vs Ryback last year at Hell in a Cell, with Kendo Stick
and extra influence. My, how things change.

Ryback runs into Punk on the narrow strip between ring and Cell pitifully. Ryback loudly tells ref to “move” as he suplexes Punk into the steel a few times with no painful impact whatsoever. It looked ridiculous. Back in ring Ryback covers Punk for two. Heyman on top of the Cell watching. Punk aims to reach the kendo stick lying in ring. Ryback has trouble holding Punk on his back to drop down Punk in a weak exchange. Ryback wraps arms around the guts of Punk. The sound of the crowd was empty. Punk hits knees of Ryback on an approach. Runs a jump up knee to no feeling. A couple of Punk chants begin to stir some hope for the worker who will be excused for having Ryback. Punk isn’t exactly excelling, is he? Ryback talks again before lifting a Shell Shock as Punk blocks it. CM Punk grabs the kendo stick nearby and smashes it into Ryback.

The comedown period continues. Punk runs a touching knee into Ryback. Elbow drop from Punk got a two count. Punk brings in a table as cheers begin for some excitement in the match. Ryback wakes and give Punk a club to the back to stop him. The table sideways set, Ryback tries to powerbomb Punk through it who counters and instead Ryback turns and lifts Punk’s goolies onto the table where Punk hovered over before sitting down on. It was a terrible enactment. Heyman laughs.

Ryback sets table properly as CM Punk hits a low blow as a fan favourite to the nasty monster Ryback. Punk uses the turnbuckle to gain leverage in putting Ryback through the table in the only defining moment of the match. It wasn’t that great, either. Punk smashes the stick again over Ryback’s skull and hits a GTS for CM Punk to cover Ryback for a three fall victory in a tepid encounter. Punk looks north to Heyman.

“Where you going to go?” Punk Skywalker asks, equipped with kendo stick. (Again)

Jerry Lawler states “What goes up must come down.”

Punk climbs the top with stick in his pants by his butt crack. Grabs Heyman’s collar and violently hits Heyman with the stick aggressively. Is an honourable man supposed to do this? Heyman lifted into GTS position as Punk knocks Heyman down to the Cell centre roofing patch.

Tag Team
Los Matadores w/ El Torito Vs Antonio Cesaro and Jack Swagger w/ Zeb Colter

Fernando and Diego grace PPV for the first time with their little raging bull El Torito. The guilty pleasure, filled with humour, interest and a level of workability, the trio charged down the ramp. Agile Torito runs rings around the battle arena while Michael Cole breaks kayfaybe all over the place for El Torito the great.

Colter, armed with microphone begins his verbal onslaught. Telling the ‘immigrants’ they are criminals, Colter also attacked the crowd with his xenophobic levels of propaganda on immigration.   

Cesaro and Diego begin as Diego flips over the rope of turnbuckle well. Works Cesaro decently. Cesaro then flings Diego to the outside where Swagger botches a running charge on the outside.

The Un Real Americans

“The only masked man who wasn’t a criminal was the Lone Ranger” JBL discusses with Cole.

Swagger takes charge inside before tagging Cesaro in. Cesaro’s bulging muscles shone through with an aggressive and tight head/arm lock of Le Matadore. Cesi smashes a boot into the waiting matador hoping to tag in. It’s time for the ever available Cesaro swing on Diego. Cesaro swings and swings and swings near a rough thirty no doubt in a daft yet impressive fling around. Luckily JBL was counting and informed he swung a recorded thirty-one times! I need to book Cesaro for that party piece. Swagger took charge in ring with no interest as filler while ‘Toni dealt with other one outside well. Cesaro holds rope further away as Swagger has one in submission. Cesaro got butted off as the other matador smacked Swagger as, presumably, Diego? Grabbed the three fall for himself and Fernando.

Colter was ashamed and dismayed with his boy’s loss in middle of ring slamming the mat in frustration. El Torito flung over Zeb and minicanrana’ed Cesaro attempting a save as he butted his horns into Zeb’s derrière once more akin to the Smackdown prior, and launched on top of both Colter and Swagger to silence the nauseating Colter.

World Heavyweight Championship

Alberto Del Rio (c) Vs John Cena

Cena returned from his two month injury tonight, instantly launched into the World title match with Del Rio. Cena will be working with a taped up arm. Will Cena win or will Del Rio gain the advantage of the injury returnee? WWE love to keep you guessing.

Intro’s over the pair lock up. Cena audibly instructing Rio in a loose headlock of next match procedure. Rio already works injured arm as announce booth heavily focus on it directly. “Let’s go Cena/ Cena Sucks” plagued the match again. Cena runs a light touching shoulder barge with no effect to knock Del Rio down. The pair square off again, stalling for time. Ri runs a boot to Cena’s head who drearily tilts his head down inside slow motion like a limp anti-climax. Rio runs the ropes, giving Cena a light tap to the back going outside as Michael Cole debates claims Cena has “gone soft.” What irony. Del Rio follows a two fall. Cena botched a boot to the face from Rio twice, failing to connect anything. Cena reverse’s Rio’s run with a toe hold. Rio gets a German suplex and two cover. Grips Cena into arm back hold. Aggressive arm wrench from ‘Bertie. Rio stood with a hand lock over Cena for some time, bellowing messages to the inept Cena what to do next.

Cena makes the comeback after talking so visibly to Rio once again. Cena rolls a flip and dropkick on Rio, running into a forwarm on Del Rio as Cena just back sits down. Rio up top jumps down level and taps stumbling Cena down. Rio applies another arm lock. Cena just opens Rio arm to drop down as Rio gets best, runs the ropes and crashes through ropes to outside as Cena simply moves aside. Sandow was shown seconds ago watching on the backstage screens.

Rio taunts hand gesture of Cena who jump up kicks Rio from top drop turnbuckle again. Cena too easily lifts Rio with a slow lift and drop before following the five knuckle shuffle. Rio counters the AA with a double knee backbreaker. “Se Se Se” rings out. Rio runs into a Cena elbow jab. Cena gets a two fall. The Cena indifference chants begin again in loud motions. Cena jumps up an enziguri on Cena climbing the top turnbuckle.  Sandow watching again.

Cea walk runs to miss enziguri to give Cena a comeback who slowly runs the rope into a Rio whirlbackbreaker for two fall. Rio places Cena backward and down on the corner post to kick him then run into him, where Cena lifts himself up. Rio smashed into the turnbuckle himself as Cena climbs atop to jump a cross body “for the World Title!” Michael Cole proclaims.

Chitter Chatter Cena 

Rio regains control again and puts cross armbreaker on as Cena easily slips out and applies the no pressure STF. “He’s got it locked in good” Cole adds after seen with a huge gap in submission hold. Rio gets fingers on the rope which coutns as a break. Rio smacks a kick to Cena for two again.

"He's got it locked in good."

Rio relocks the cross armbreaker. Cena powered up with a in submission to lift up powerbomb as always to change the pace. Rio countered AA only to be recountered into it. John Cena pinned Alberto Del Rio to lift the World Heavyweight Championship in the biggest miscarriage of justice on WWE TV.  Fans were furious, and not in the correct aspect of wrestling values. Many felt WWE crapped on its own division once again to reward an out of play Cena a championship so freely. “John Cena silenced the critics” the ever delusional Michael Cole bleats after fans were ever so critical of Cena’s glowing accomplishment of workrate to win a title.

Job squad Dolph Ziggler, poster boy R-Truth (with claims of failing a second wellness test covered up by insiders of WWE, allegedly) and phantom Diva Kaitlyn. Kaitlyn wittered on too long as “former best friend” AJ’s music began.

WWE Unified Women’s Championship

AJ (c) w Tamina Vs Brie Bella w/ Nikki Bella

Hidden in the guise of the platinum butterfly belt, AJ was accompanied by heavy Tamina. Lock up with instant scream of Brie. Why? Just why? Pair break and stair off. AJ slaps and hits Brie who punches down AJ in a replay of the exact Battleground match 2 weeks prior. AJ wrenches arm of Bella who flips a slam. AJ taps into back of Brie and chin lock pushes her back against rope falling Brie to outside. One fall for AJ. Brie scream “Ah!” constantly. Nikki bellows “come on Brieeeeeeeeeeeeee.” 

Similar scene from Battleground two weeks prior.

AJ works down Brie minimally. Slow pace into a neckbreaker as Brie screams on EVERY move taken. “Awwww!” “Uhhhh!” Brie continues as she and AJ began a series of numerous uneventful reversals. AJ now sits on Brie in wrap around lock. Screams “Tap Brie!” as before. Brie runs a screaming run to break and an “Uhhhhhnnn!” dropkick. Screams something to the crowd.

"Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!"

Brie, STFU!

Brie pitifully dropkick and clotheslines with sound bellowing on every ove continually to no effect on partner or crowd. Funnily guys start objectifying the girls with wold whistles. Nikki then runs around and hits Tamina as AJ was in submission. AJ avoided as Brie smashes in Nikki. AJ graps the Black Widow submission on Brie Bella who pats AJ’s thigh to sumbit and lose the chance to become the champion.

WWE Championship

Hell in a Cell

Special Referee – Shawn Michaels

“Insolence will not be tolerated” – Stephanie McMahon Raw. Stern warnings to Randy Orton from Michaels if Orton lays hands on HBK in the match. Triple H’s assessment of “B+ player” Daniel Bryan doesn’t see the goatface superstar as “Best for Business.” The held up WWE title is on the line. Both Bryan and Orton have been transitional champions and Michaels vows to crown a new WWE champion from this crippling and defining steel structure. Whose your money on? Bryan, Orton or No-one? Here we go.

Mentor Michaels to Rookie Bryan.

Triple H could not resist popping down clutching ‘his’ prized possession, the WWE Championship. A title Hunter claimed “Randy Orton carries for me.” He shakes the Viper’s hand, then extends to Bryan after taunting the title in front of Bryan as the Cell descends locking all three gents inside.

Start to the running outside, Orton chases Bryan who heads back inside swiftly. Orton follows and catches Bryan with a run into hard scoop slam by Orton. Early double DDT foiled as Bryan scales top rope. Knocks down Orton and follow kicks to gut in turnbuckle. Orton responds with run ropes dropkick keeping momentum well. Bryan hoisted onto ropes from chest drop onto. Once again on east side of ring ropes to the gut of Bryan. Orton charges Bryan into the Cell off the apron afterwards. Flung Bryan into the steps and dismantles more. Orton barges the heavy steps into Bryan’s shoulder. Orton sets vertical steps in corner. Reversed Irish whip on outside into the steps by Bryan changes gameplay. Kicks and hurls in the cell and steps of Randy’s head.

Pals Hunter and HBK

Bryan takes a cover inside failing to win. The vicious YES! Kicks follow. Lift and sits Orton up on turnbuckle in a good exposure. Tilts Orton upside down as Bryan runs to corner to charge into Orton with the crowd “ohhhh”ing in anticipation. Bryan launches outside ruing dives on Orton into the cell until a third attempt saw Orton avoid and throw an airy Bryan into the steel for good measure.

Experience Hell in a Cell combatant.
Also sporting a fierce body.

Bryan was soon smashed into the turnbuckle then backbreakered to the outside charismatically. Orton headbutts Bryan in a new level of interest. Bryan punches Orton’s mid-section, countered a flip down and smashed a stunning powerbomb onto Orton. Uppercut and punch exchanges from Orton and Bryan respectively. Yes/No indifference also added from on goers in the crowd.  Bryan runs two corner charge dropkicks to Orton. YES! Kicks continue with a hurricanrana off top rope adding weardown on Orton. Bryan drops a diving headbutt to gain a two fall. Miss around nail o roundhouse kick countered by Orton, soon counter by agile Bryan with a submission. Orton humphing in mild pain as Michaels responds he can’t break hold in this legal structure. Bryan works Orton into the cage meshing with another running dropkick in such narrow space. Brings chair into play smashing the back of poor Randy, in severe pain.

Bryan added a constant amount of chairs to the ring as Jerry Lawler asked JBL how many chairs were in there. Answer? Ten. Plus the one Bryan is holding. Yeah, we do the research, you know. Bryan stuffs the chair into Orton’s gut and over the back before placing inside the ring. Orton jumps up and rakes the eye of Bryan. Jabs the chair to Bryan’s body and gains two fall. Swings the chair for more impact and gets a two for Orton once more.

“Kid continues to stay in it” Michael Cole says as Orton failed another chair to pin fall two count. Orton suplexes Bryan atop the turnbuckle. Tense scenes as Bryan knocks Orton down, who charges back with a tough jab. Orton hooks Bryan’s head and throws the leg backward with a crushing suplex into the chairs below. Orton covers for close two fall. Orti debates with the ref as Triple H marches to the ring displeased. The crowd cheer for Triple H with “A**hole!” Argues with Shawn as Bryan comes back as Orton hooks a suplex to pin as Michaels misses count. Orton argues with Shawn for failing to count him as new champion. “Get off of my back!” HBK – HHH. Tripper asks if Michaels will do this. Orton soon drops the devastating second rope DDT on Bryan.

King Randall the Third. And those lips.

Angry Gorilla Triple H attempts to climb the Cage as Bryan shoves Orton away who lands into Michaels putting all men on the canvas. Hunter’s concern for his friend comes through. Tripper orders the ref’s and doctor to open the cage. Bryan then hit Orton who had the crowd count along a seven count as Michaels was unavailable. HHH enters to check on Michaels as Bryan spears into Shawn Michaels as he celebrates. Livid Shawn Michaels sweet chin music’s Daniel Bryan to the floor as Randy Orton wakes to scuffle over Orton. Michaels deliberates and reluctantly counts fairly to crown Rand as the new WWE champion and face of the WWE.

PPV Rating – 5/10

Men/Women of their matches – Roman Reigns, Natalya, Dean Ambrose, CM Punk, Diego, Alberto Del Rio, AJ, Daniel Bryan

Man/Woman of the PPV – John Cena

Ryback was once again a mass liability. WWE have finally cottoned on to Ryback’s last attitude and distressing ego. Why must you make us say we told you so? But we did. Heyman should never have had Ryback ruin his reputation but WWE could not resist defiance through pride. Ryback needs a pink slip pronto. He has nothing to offer except injuring everyone he works with and still cannot get over. CM Punk however, was implausible and meek. This was not down to Ryback, overall, but it certainly didn’t help, either. As a friendly force, Punk was an aggressive, immoral and discouraging fan favourite that doesn’t require such technique. It was a flop entry none can truly be proud of. The crowd was very silent. Go for surgery.

WWE needed to present John Cena back on television in its shining light once more. That WWE had so little competition available for Rio can only highlight once more the need for fundamental stars. Antonio Cesaro and Damien Sandow await in transit. Rob Van Dam departed last month from a short term WWE contract. WWE were unhappy with such levels of low commitment. Regardless of this, WWE rewarded an inactive superstar with yet another meaningless title win. When cash cow Cena does eventually run out of merchandising sales, who will take over when there is no one else. 

One star every ten years is hardly “best for business” is it? What a way to ruin Alberto Del Rio, at the height of making his name once again, despite becoming boring without any real challenging potential. The Cena/Orton figureheads from six months ago have once again become the two top bankable stars in WWE land. Both had marriage break downs beforehand. Both sell merchandise. CM Punk’s knee is injured. No one else is available to be called on.

WWE’s levels of sheer desperation to make noisy Brie Bella a strong female favourite is not going to work and that’s solely down to the dire portrayal and inexperience from Bella. No amount of main event tweaking will help the shambolic Brie Bella as a star. Forget her and move on, it aint happening. WWE constantly put forward those who can’t achieve and this is why they run into problems. As well as the fact they don’t know how to book them anymore in accordance with ever changing audiences.

Los Matadores and their guilty pleasure El Torito has become an unexpected yet appealing attraction which can only elevate the two matadors’ in the WWE arena. This is one attraction we fully enjoy watching. However, in regards to Antonio Cesaro’s tandem with Swagger and Colter is another distress signal and needs to have implementation from above to come out of this and headline honourable tendencies. Attire will also be key and needs the red trunks and rugby socks back. The longer he stays with Colter and Co, the longer he will be ruined, overall.

The Bryan/Orton saga was due its end. Predictable it was that Bryan would not amount to worthy levels of interest. Perhaps WWE will keep it open for one last match, next month. Regardless, Bryan has already been replaced by handpicked Big Show. This is a program no one in the WWE Universe wishes to see. The lacklustre Big Show taking on the credible Randy Orton. What a shambles WWE is in. However, Bryan and Orton held their own and both have been set on a sturdy path, if WWE keep its tracks level with audience involvement. This doesn’t just mean chanting Yes or No.

Authority and pawn Orton firmly in control. 

The triple threat tag title was a good show having mixed detail. At their momentum, Rhodes and Goldust were needed by WWE to reinforce the tag setting. The storyline permitted such attention; however Cody Rhodes remains the weakest link, as the most lost and boring star of the division. The Uso’s and Shielders were superb in offering tag support and held their own. The three way was a good starter, but the tag division needs a multitude of challengers, as does very division, which WWE tends to focus on only one per year. If it can’t contribute to all at once, that is what hiring others is for, to oversee such creative ideas in order to work with than against. Perhaps WWE should look into an open thought process with certain vital people to assist the McMahon hierarchy. Of course, they can’t give every random so and so a high value stake. Research the market. Open the eyes. Look forward. Is it in front of you?

Dean Ambrose worked well with the disastrous Big E ‘no direction, change from IC to US title’ Langston. A liability ready to take Ryback’s place with no skill or transferable style Langston will be the next in the long line of big guys who fail dismally. If WWE wish to put such stars forward it should carefully fine tweak them for stardom rather than waking up one day and deciding on a whim due to size, ethnicity and height. Is that a gap in the market, or just a slot to be filled?

Once again Natalya proved star worth. Working a blonde, leggy bimbo clone once more, Natty was rewarded with another loss and no title contendership. WWE should be ashamed. She even made Fandango interesting. Khali was, as usual, a car wreck.  

WWE need to prioritise content, people, placement and superstars accordingly. Such mistakes are always costly and another year in and WWE has no new star to brag of. Bryan, like Punk before him, has had his summer solstice. The frivolous times are over and WWE has once again settled for comfortability with profit than investing into future. WWE will certainly be able to keep its doors open, but for how long before it becomes so exhausted with every option, feud and same old title swapping with favourites that have lost public support? Will they ever learn and can they? Or will it constantly be another re-run of pay per view every month with adjustments? It needs to severely understand how to capitalise in a market slowly slipping away from them, day by day, bit by bit. Driving an audience away is not “best for business” built on a loyalty rewards package. 

©  Max Waltham 28th October 2013