WWE Fastlane 2017
Vroom Vroom! Time to start your engines again. Live on Pay Per View, from the Bradley Center in Milwaukee, Wisconsin on Sunday 5th March, 2017, WWE's short stacked talent brand, Raw presented its next rushed PPV card, Fastlane.
Featuring a returning Goldberg, no appearance from the Milk Carton poster boy Brock Lesnar and a rabble of ignorant NXT inconsistencies constantly zapping WWE's ratings and investment worth, would Fastlane actually set a powerful beginning to the coming spectacle of Wrestlemania?
Let's find out...
Samoa Joe Vs Sami Zayn
A battle of two random independent circuit jobbers who have already lived out their usefulness in WWE warmed the bums in seats first. Sami Zayn, plagued by smarks who are clever to know of his past with "Ole!" chants further cheapened the action, which solidifies WWE's interpretation of Zayn as a purified geek.
On the opposing side, was a calamitous bulk of mass that botched, was too stocky and could not work in the ring, which was an infantile embarrassment that WWE are trying desperately to salvage fan hopes from. It was done before it made it to WWE television. WWE are insanely out of touch with their audience and an ignorant TNA jobber won't make the mustard churn tastefully.
The pair put on a cheesy display of back and forth rubbish thinking WWE was an Indy event and still made it worse than the Indy circuit. Blurbs, sloppiness and an occasional jump from flying monkey Zayn was predictable filler at best.
Predictably, Triple H's new lapdog Samoa Joe won after an uneventful fluffer match that cemented Joe's worth as a WWE superstar. Pitiful zombie.
Samoa Joe was also seen being interviewed by a replacement for Tom Phillips. Over the last week WWE had been engulfed in a perverted sex scandal involving Phillips. On a WWE flight, Phillips had begun texting a female fan whom thought he was single and asked him, to which Philips confirmed. Married Phillips instigated an affair he wanted to have adding he would like to "face fu*k the sh*t out of you" to the female fan, hoping it would be sexual. 
Well. We would let cutie Tommy have a go, because we understand men. Lol. For WWE, however, there is no acceptable standards that this is allowed unto and WWE prove time again how depraved it is at not taking any action and turning their company into a sex fuelled, backstage teen campus meets spring break orgy.
WWE have taken no action and continue its perversion standards as a depraved, sex fest, drug taking company of abusers. Allthemore neglecting its standards on talented individuals and allowing sexual deviants through instead.
WWE 'Raw' Tag Team Championship
Tag Team
Luke Gallows and Karl Anderson (c) Vs Enzo Amore and Cass
Following such a disaster was a terrible tag team of botches, jumps, daft interactions and dreadful mic skills. The other were even more horrendously failed baldie boys who gained a freebie last month in the weakest title victory thanks to the Triple H fandom club.
The ignorance of chicken legs clunk fest Karl Anderson was always a hilarious act, that within one year on the roster has achieved nothing but latch on filler that drags down Luke Gallows' attempts to try and salvage such a crushing pairing. Triple H's classic hire of 'trying to build some momentum' by poaching what a handful of people raved about on a dirt sheet to prove he can give fandom smarks some love (and a rotting ego fest for himself to be loved) proved most catastrophic. He never learns. The last four years with Paige, others and the past two years dropping ratings with his ignorant ego taking over WWE, have served no positive outcome to the business as a whole. What a mark.
The action was continually marred by the baldies with clunky botches, slams and rushed angles that were just insanely rotten. Enzo and Cass, a towering mannequin with zero charisma and a pineapple head midget spouting nonsense in hopes to generate a slight laugh, where not any level hilarious.
Exposed, tepid and a mess in general with spots and slop, Luke Gallows and Karl Anderson retained after kicking off Enzo Amore's leg from the bottom rope in a near nine minute wasteful run through.
Sasha Banks Vs Nia Jax
Next up is WWE's ability to prove it has more than two divas on its roster from the past two years. Mixing the lesser important one up, to work with the growing but ever green inadequacy of Nia Jax, Sasha Banks took to the ring.
Boring, stale, going nowhere, bland and unappealing. Who really cares? Sash, who still has not served time on her 30 day drugs bust for using performance enhancing steroids, covered by her injury prone benching's three to six months back, further alienates WWE's product with more tainted policies as a responsible and female empowering company.
As for the action, Sasha did her general routine of Crossfaces, submissions, a couple of kicks and acting worn out to boost green bulk of suppressed anger, Nia Jax. The only thing Jax has going for her was a shock promo weeks back on Raw which was dynamite. The in-ring action fails to live up to the hype at this point, alongside Banks and a short stack of Raw divas.
Eventually Sasha Banks won with a counter from a bodyslam into a roll up bridge, which was simply a weak end to a lacklustre nothing match.
Cesaro Vs Jinder Mahal
Jinder Mahal, jobber to the stars from the past and the returning present without a future has been upgraded to the main roster to make up the numbers. How bad is WWE, really?
To add further embarrassment, he was put into a main event card with the number one wrestler of the past year (and the one before that), Cesaro.
An unfathomable venture, Cesaro once again stunned the show with technique, grace, style, charisma and in depth talent that boosted the show once more, which the McMahon's secretly despise for getting himself over and hope to claw him down for bullying funsies.
Despite once more a drab opponent, Cesaro stole the show, but fans, who adored Cesaro's professionalism, was a lost cause on WWE's failure to move forward with worthwhile money parting opponents for their so called 'entertainment' values.
Cesaro won, of course.
Rusev w/Lana Vs Big Show
It is highly encouraging to see that the Big Show, finally took Wrestling Wonders' advice on board over the past three to four years and chose to work himself into the best shape of his career. More buff, fitter and sporting some tighter abs, Big Show has been constantly improving which we have always noted at the height of his change. We applaud someone for finally taking our advice without malice and realising if you change, then you will get the respected credit you deserve. We can only tell it how it is.
Going against an equally improved star of the past two years in Rusev, this pair have provided such epic transformations that hope to improve the WWE experience with better options.
Unfortunately that cannot cover the disaster that was booked for them by the backstage committee who stage these decisions in the matches. The pair tried their best, but marred with daft angles, lacking time and some awkward moments, losing the feel, appeal and ambience of the pissy card before it, this match became a forgetful letdown.
The kicks, power and enthusiasm from Rusev and Big Show was a commendable effort. Big Show took the win after smashing the returning Knock Out punch, which needs to have a more fluid connectivity, as when seen on camera, is exposed as somewhat cheap and half-arsed.
WWE Cruiserweight Championship
Neville (c) Vs Jack Gallagher
Is this still going on? Same sh*t, different day. Neville, working his way through the Cruiserweight division like Paige or Kelly Kelly in the backstage lockeroom, the small man division is still officially worthless.
A sad and pathetic experiment by Triple H and his obsessive ego of ignorant little midget man jumping about is nothing more than a lunatic side attraction fit for lepers.
Mundane, idiotic and jumping acrobatic weeds for a "Ooh!" moment translates into a glorified "HA!" at the lunacy to stand tall with the actual talent missing from all cruiser muppets.
Plus the purple, chunky belt, which seems to be bigger than the cruiserweights themselves, just does not fit. Vince McMahon needs to resign the title and failed experiment of Triple H's idiotic obsession to outdo Max Waltham's guidance to important tournaments only for Trips to cheapen them with no vision, aside. Triple H is no Max Waltham, or creative genius he desperately tries to get the audience to blindly follow like sheepish clowns.
It is the weakest it has ever been. The longer it goes on, the more of a sham it is seen for. There will be no way back.
Neville won in a pitiful jump around with the pale and tepidly useless non-entity with a moustache and dodgy pants. No-one cared.
Tag Team clowns and newly announced Wrestlemania hosts (hilariously pathetic!) The New Day came out with an ice-cream cart. They want to make ice-cream bars and stuff. Hmm. Didn't CM Punk try this with WWE before they got annoyed and abused him after falling out with him? Or Dean Ambrose's hot dog cart last year? Hasn't this already been done?
Here's a new set of flavours. Tripe H. Bubblegum plop. Unicorn salt. Give 'em a try! How's the stock? You're Welcome!
Roman Reigns Vs Braun Strowman
Rufus Reigns. Sorry. Doofus Reigns. No. Roman Reigns, the WWE Universe's number one guy, took to the stage next. His opponent, a swiftly moved over to Braun Strowman, was hardly main event levels.
An inconsistency against a jobber squashing, Ryback replacement, who still hasn't gotten over from last year or the year before in the Wyatt Family decided to have a clunk fest now.
The tricks and tips were here. They even did the traditional powerhouse moves of tall, slow, beloved Vince McMahon sticks of sluggish action to put one another through the ever resourceful announce table at ringside. Is there ever any new material?
After such a run through of boredom and the fans constantly deciding to tell WWE that they still don't dig Roman Reigns with vicious boos of sheer hatred, and cheering for his opponent by default but not giving a hoot when outside of Reigns, WWE are once again at a loose end.
No. One. Cares. For either of them. Sort. It. Out. WWE have failed yet again. All for their own ego to show off. Karma's a real one! There is nothing these two can do to improve this plight.
Oh, Roman Reigns won, so Vince McMahon could personally troll and stick two fingers up to the WWE Universe saps that complain but (in his mind) "always come back for more". That's what WWE think of you. The bottom of their shoe. Vince seems to forget all those ratings declines when he wishes it. Two years of drops and still going strong. Ouch.
If only you put the ego aside and hired those who would have brought them up? Tut tut. That's your problem now though, isn't it?
WWE 'Raw' Women's Championship
Charlotte Flair Vs Bayley (c)
Look everyone! WWE has another diva. The plus one in the background of the Charlotte/Sasha feud for six months or more has finally got hold of the title from a previous episode on Raw. Protecting Charlotte's 'daddy record history books favouritism by WWE on PPV defences' (which means absolutely zero to the business) Bay'ls could only win on TV, you see. What a way to get over. Not even good enough for PPV.
With her fun-filled, party streamers and galloping flamboyance, Bayley, a champion by default, fills in the blanks. Charlotte can now be fair game after copying her daddy's record which has constantly killed the Women's title back down to zero legitimacy raised before her by yours truly.
Another irrelevant title, with Charloitte still failing to wrestle once decent, skilled match since her arrival, not live in her family shadow and do something outside of gimmick spots is a stretch for Charl's and the WWE Universe.
Desperate to claim Max Waltham's "Diva's Revolution" era for their own band wagoning on female empowerment and failing dismally with its distorted development of it, the division has truly crumbled once again by such pitiful standards. There is no wrestling, no charisma, style, grace or depth. Flung together randomly and patchy work in the match, Bayley's leg flips and Charlotte's kicks and manish attitude when appealing to the audience for a cheap moment (when she hasn't lost her rag at them) is another cheap interaction.
Failing to listen, improve and constantly reign it in, they wonder why the division isn't moving with profitable transgressions. Stuck in their own world, telling yourselves what you want to hear, is delusional. We have given countless tips to improve, but none has been sought and implemented and this is the result. Shabby, useless and empty jobber-esq moments hoping to stand out for a split second, before taking a breather then replay the same scenario again in the match rehearsal again. Spin us a new yarn, please. This, is juvenile.
Charlotte does the traditional shove to the outside, before Sasha Banks interferes by running in. Way to establish the ever forgettable Bayley as its title holder in transit. Sasha screamed at the referee as the supposedly 'talented' Charlotte used tights on a roll up. The ref finally stopped her tainted wins everytime, as Bayley then got the better of her with a Belly to Belly suplex to cover for the win and retain the most worthless prize in female wrestling entertainment, the 'Raw' Women's championship.
Wonderful.
WWE Universal Championship
Goldberg Vs Kevin Owens (c)
We all know it will last two minutes. That is all Triple H's title handed favourtism poodle to feel loved for a split second of his disgraced ignorance can muster. Well, it beats the same old routine of Kevin Owens running out of the ring, stalling for time, yelling trash, screaming like a useless b*tch and walking into every rivals' moves to do a sloppy counter as an idle plus one to 'win'.
WWE awarded Big Kev (once again) with some stalling time, to walk around the outside of the ring before trying to wimp out and leave. As we all knew. Triple H's failed experiment of title handing over the past two years, the whining b*tch of foul ignorance doing virtually nothing in his caretaker runs other than drop WWE's ratings drastically and take no notice, is insanely weak and pathetic. We told them years ago. They failed, once again, to listen.
Like the ratings, Goldberg dropped Kevin Owens in roughly two minutes of the bell ringing with a Spear and Jackhammer smash to cover the oafish lump to remove him of the WWE Universal Championship which should have never been given or held this long. WWE were clueless, directionless and cannot make that ugly blood red trinket succeed. Once more, Chris Jericho was involved to serve as a laughable distraction, playing his music in the arena. Thrilling.
As predicted, even on a simply 'get hit and lie down' calamitous Kev couldn't even take a bump correctly and filled the match with sloppy, jumbled and idiotic taking of a simple move. Is there anything he can't do?
PPV Rating - 1/10 (It would have been 0, but a ratings system commands 1.)
Men/Women of their matches - Sami Zayn, Luke Gallows, Sasha Banks, Cesaro, Rusev, Neville, Roman Reigns, Bayley, Goldberg
Man/Woman of the PPV - Goldberg
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| No, it isn't photoshopped, that's the real, distorted belt. |
An old timer wins in WWE again. Granted, WWE have no options and weak performers, by way of Triple H's failed ignorance hires and fanboy markdom not realising what makes for business sense outside of a tacky slogan to seem like he is on the ball. This is why WWE are in such a position, favouring old timers, but when seeing someone to rival them for the future, it fails to gain talent, and allows a clouded ego to convolute WWE's business matters instead. Ego is truly the icing on the cake to plummet WWE for many years to come. If only it could get over itself and put their hatred aside for those who will succeed and have been loyal to the business. WWE don't seem to have an real, creative, business acumen and it is thoroughly exposed to the fans, investors and critics who were once sold a very troubling lie. Wrestling is in decline for 2017 and beyond and these actions will not improve it. This has been a continual process for the last decade, including over the last seven years or more. WWE are fresh out of ideas at this point and have nothing to offer. WWE is creatively bankrupt.
Neville continues to be the only cruiserweight in the show and there is no competition. A title with such lunacy has no worth and should be resigned if WWE had any sense. Even as a Network exclusive show, it has no place and further shows WWE's inane levels of desperation to host something for the sake of it.
Bayley could not be more inconsistent in her first title run, grabbing it by way of transit, irrelevance and a sideshow. No-one cares, she has nothing to her and is just there. Her wishy-washy act is further grating and an empty vessel that commands no respect. As for Charlotte and the other ones, the audience has been far too tired and the angles are completely exhausted over the past two-three years. It's pathetic.
Roman Reigns is hated. Braun Strowman is nothing. Neither are wanted, nor needed.
Much of the above goes for Triple H's recent poodle upgrade in side pal Samoa Joe. Zayn is much the same and is always known as only there to be Triple H's other lapdog, Kevin Owens', plus one. Wherever Owens goes, Zayn is inseparable. All are unanimously useless as future options in entertainment that still struggles to fill cheap seats in Independent shows.
Luke Gallows desperately needs a break up from the plus one baldie that never pulls his weight and needs relegating with Owens to a pink slip and contract release.
Rusev made another watchable few minutes in places with a buffed up Big Show, but the show, its production and everything around it was a complete mess that could not do any more for them.
Cesaro, as great as he continually is, was also limited with a non-entity that shouldn't even be let outside of Superstars. This is not what fans pay money for. WWE really need to get their brain into gear.
Fastlane was proof once more that WWE, it's Raw brand and pitiful direction is another wash with stained entertainment values. There was nothing of interest, poor, infantile, bottom of the toilet bowl rust. As ever, we can go on and on, but WWE won't listen. Until they do, it is best to hold on to your cash, go out, find alternatives, and enjoy other things that reward your time. This has been done over the past two years but WWE have been oblivious.
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| King of the Snowflakes. Please like me! Beg Beg Beg. |
The only 'fans' left are the whiney Snowflake generation of complaining dirt sheet regulars who hope they can ask for a match now and then and Triple H will give it to seem popular. It won't stack up and has no mileage. Is that really WWE's remit? To fail on such a grandiose scale with nothing in its tank? Oh dear. It was the worst event for many a time and easily leads the pack of failed events.
Wrestlemania is shaping up to be an even more terrible event that will not have anything on the card and be another continued washout that has occurred over the last six years, even though WWE believed it was a solid card. Who would have ever thought that the grand spectacle of Wrestlemania would ever sink?
WWE has nothing to offer at this time and needs to get itself sorted out pronto instead of just talking trash and hating with sneers. The company is firmly in pole position. Heading rapidly into the Fastlane of a laxative stimulant bearing down the eye of the bowel, ready to make a big splash, the one which delivers the rusty water right back up at you.
You're Welcome!
© Max Waltham 07th March 2017
All Rights Reserved
